Outraged! Dominic Cummings…. A shite for sore eyes
In 1858, within the vicinity of Lourdes, France, a fourteen-year-old girl named Bernadette, claimed that she saw the Virgin Mary appear in a cave. That same year, eighteen other sightings were recorded. It is said that Pilgrims are cleansed of their sins and that the spring water of the grotto can heal people. According to officials, sixty-seven] miracles have taken place at the now famous shrine. The modern-day impact on Lourdes economically and as a tourist destination is as evident as it is welcome.
Despite being steeped in history and holding many secret tales of intrigue and mystery, England has never had an equivalent shrine to call its own. Until now! Dominic Cummings 260-mile trip from London to Durham, has, understandably upset many people. However, one company believes a real revelation took place and hopes to cash in. British multinational optical retail chain, Specsavers has said what happened to Mr. Cummings was nothing short of a miracle. Company spokesman, David Cancealot explained; For years now we have publicised the message 'you should have gone to Specsavers', but Mr. Cummings has proven that is not necessarily the case. He, Mr. Cummings, realised early on that his local Specsavers was closed. So, why not drive the two hundred and sixty miles to Barnard Castle and test your eyesight for free. The facts speak for themselves. On his arrival at the Castle, he couldn't see very well. Yet, no less than half an hour later, after a quick wander around the Castle, a relax by the river and a quick play around in the woods, he was able to drive back to London.
So convinced are Specsavers with their miracle theory, they've paid over £50 million to buy Barnard Castle. Not only will they relocate their HQ from St. Andrew in Guernsey, they will change their tagline to ... 'you should have gone to Specsavers but for complete miracles, drive to Barnard Castle'.
Mr. Cancealot continues; We have been looking for an opportunity like this for some time. We want to model it on the 'Our Lady of Lourdes'. Admittedly Dominic Cummings wouldn't have been our first choice. Less our 'Lady of Lourdes', more 'Our Man who thinks he's a lord...and therefore believes he can break any rules that he himself sets'. In a hundred years from now, historians will be retelling the story of Barnard Castle, with the locals of modern-day Durham, hoping to have cashed in on their new-found fame and Cummings infamy.
As an aside, there is some genuine pity for the government's Chief Advisor. There is an acknowledgement that not all people will suffer the same hardship as Mr. Cummings, who claimed at the time that he didn't have any real friends and therefore needed to drive at least 260 miles to go and find some. Unfortunately for Mr. Cummings, such is his lack of popularity, not even his closest family wanted anything to do him once he had arrived. His parents refused to have him anywhere near the house and sent him packing across the way to a cold stone building. Once inside, still, no one could bear to talk to him, with even his cousins leaving food on the doorstep and running away as soon as possible.
It's a sad case. To be honest, having no friends at one end of the country and travelling all that distance only to find that you still have no friends, including members of your own family, is heartbreaking!
At least he is now safely back home and can lie within the bosom of his self-adopted Daddy, Boris.
