Outraged! The Government set to give everyone the ‘clap’

According to leaked government papers exclusively seen by yours truly, ‘The Outraged’, Rishi Sunak, the Chancellor of the Exchequer is planning to fund the Education sector, through a weekly national clap, based on the Thursday 8pm clap for the NHS. A senior Civil Servant, who insisted on remaining anonymous, said, “We have been bowled over by our success of the weekly Thursday Clap for the NHS, and to be honest, it has got us out of a bit of a financial hole. We are on course to wipe out our entire NHS debt within five weeks. We couldn’t believe the general public would fall for it, but amazingly they did. One clap for the NHS and you raise £5 for the Exchequer - all disguised as a charitable gesture.” He went on to say; “Our view is if it’s good enough for the NHS, then it’s certainly good enough for the education sector. Asking the public to protect the NHS has been a masterstroke. They seem so hooked up with that narrative; they have forgotten we as a government, have for the last ten years been doing the exact opposite. It’s a narrative that we invented and are now controlling. It is evident that we have a nation of sheep - they don’t care how they are led or by whom, as long as someone, no matter how stupid that someone may be or as idiotic as they appear to be, the British public will go for it. The American people did the same with Trump, and as always, we tend to follow whatever happens in America.” Sunak, it is thought, used this line of thinking when reaching his decision to expand the charity clap to the Education Sector.

It is understood that a few details have yet to be ironed out, not least which day of the week will be the most appropriate. Thursday is off-limits as that now belongs to the NHS. There had been some talk of Friday evenings, but that was quashed as it was realised that the majority of teaching staff would be down their local libraries getting smashed. Sundays were also briefly discussed, but it was quickly decided against as it was recognised that teaching staff wouldn’t have the time to take in the applause. Sunday nights are often the time when teachers can be found up late into the night fixing their planning and trying to download last-minute lesson plans and worksheets from Twinkl.

The Chancellor is keen to increase the amount per clap for Education to around £10. Although they won’t admit it publicly, privately there is a collective thought amongst ministers that the government have severely unfunded Education since they came to power in 2010 and much repair work has to be carried out, particularly towards SEN. Hence the proposed hike in the cost per clap. The Clap for Finance incentive for both the NHS and Education is part of the government’s broader COVID-19 exit strategy umbrella programme, which is to be known as ‘Shared Happiness in Tandem with Everyone’ or SHiTE for short.